Last Night

It must be human nature to sabotage ourselves. So after work I went to pick up my baby girl from her dads and of course I couldn't help myself, I had to check the pregnancy test. Now this is not Christian behavior by any means and I do not condone snooping in someone's stuff. This is a part of me I am working on. It was positive. My heart sank. Ow could he really have knocked someone up?

Does anyone know where this is going? Severe anxiety attack! I left as he showed up. Empty is the only thing I could feel. The fear, pain, struggle, hope, happy all of it gone! I went home and straight to bed. How if I am following the word of God could this happen? How could God allow me to fall this far again. I can say contemplation of suicide (one that has for most of my life) once again is back. Making sense of how My God that everyone says loves me so could allow me to walk the path into ruin again. But not only me he allowed my daughters hope that mommy and daddy could be under one roof. I feel like a drone being controlled by a ruler with no heart.

So today my prayer...Heavenly Father full of Grace today marks a 24 hour time frame in which I need you more than ever. I need you to bind the darkness consuming my husband and myself. I need you to replace this dark with light of truth. We need to feel your presence and guidance as we move through today. This day one starting with desperation and pain needs you to perform a miracle. Our family needs you to move and the timing is now. For we have a tangled mess of sin, mistakes, good intentions and hate. Please I am begging today let it be your will to move Big in our lives. Thank you!

American Momma