Call it quits?

I am always encouraging my married friends to work it out. Certain that divorce is not a option. Then why is it a option for me? Is it because he has given up? Do I feel justified in walking away because he has no idea if he wants me around? It hurts and I'm tired of this yoyo game, but am I supposed to just give up as he did? I want to believe he will change his heft and see that it is me. Or that I can change my heart and he can't be apart of it. I'm pretty certain at this point neither are going to happen. So where do we go from here? Knowing neither of us are gonna change over night and I can't control him how do I change myself? How do I move forward without hurting every moment of every day? Is Love worth the hate?


American momma

Point in time

As we grow older, we grow a little wiser. With each day we learn something new. Today I am feeling inspired! I feel inspired to exercise and laugh. I feel awake and happy. How many days in a life time do we get where we truly just feel alive? I know as a teen you get lots of those days for events and life is still new. But today at almost 31 for no reason at all, my heart is full and I feel awake. I kinda feel like most days are a black and white film and then as we go through there are days full of color and life. Today a normal monday with nothing special about it feels like a color film. :) thank you Jesus for days such as these. Thank you for color, light, sound, taste, smells! Thank you for the revival of a Ladies heart. I can feel it in my chest beating with life source. Beating to thank its maker for each blessing. The sunrise, bird in flight, sweet taste, kind word, friends call, heart talks, love of oneself. I remember your call, I love you! I truly love you! Thank you for loving me as your creation and child. I am truly blessed. This world may say I am all kinds of things but you say I am forgiven! Forgiven so that I may forgive others. Our father full of grace, hallow be thy name. Kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Amen...... Only through your spirit can I truly forgive those who have hurt me...friends, family, strangers, through words, actions or non actions. Today I declare in Jesus name through the spirit of God I am releasing you all in forgiveness. No longer can I hold anger, pain, grudges, fear or remorse in my heart. I forgive as I also ask of you. Anyone I have hurt through my words, actions or no action please forgive me. I have been less than a Christian woman and have treated others with a attitude of hate. I am asking for understanding as I have not always known the way I should be, who I was ment to be. Even following Christ I may not always see eye to eye with you. I promise to treat you with love and respect, yet if I slip please forgive me. I am made of flesh and falter. Just a point in time where everything makes today perfect.


American momma!

God's Creation

I know this is a little taboo for some audiences. This is my life and my belief.
If God came down and handed you a gift and said here I made this for you. How would you treat that gift? I would protect it with my life, give thanks every day and cherish it. So why are men so manipulative, abusive, aggressive, hateful and neglectful when it comes to their wives? God said my sons, you are to never be alone I am giving you this gift of a wife by your side. He created us to be pleasing in all ways to men. From our shape to our nature. He gave us a lot of thought to appeal to the one he already created. Yet men see women as objects to be conquered  rather than cherished. Why is this? Is it the nature of their flesh or the bonds of the enemy? All of our tendencies as women are to be loving, caring, care takers, mothers, wife's of these men. Then they sleep around, neglect, abuse, use, rape and leave us. What is their problem? Men listen up! Your wife is a gift from God, don't view her with your flesh that gets bored, angry or any earthly emotion. View her as a personal gift from God. No she is not perfect for she is made of flesh as well, but here is the kicker you determine how she feels. If she is naggy, upset, crazy woman, look to your words and actions. Most of the time women feed off their husbands attitude and actions to determine how she feels. If you are not leading her in the right direction with the proper hand and attitude you are going to get a wife that feels ignored so she will nag. A wife that feels neglected will complain, a wife that feels used as a maid, diver, babysitter, financial advisor, bill payer, driver, cook and all other duties a wife does for her husband she will revolt! This is why it is important you speak gently to her often, listen daily and worship with her weekly. Just a little effort on your side will Crete a big difference over all. So men before its to late take time to water your grass so it will be greener instead of jumping the fence to other pasters. Eventually all grass dies if it is not cared for.


American momma!

What now?

Ok so I'm going crazy with nothing to do and my baby at her daddies. So I am going to stay busy this weekend with friends. I may not be on here so I hope you all have a great weekend! Love, American momma

Patience

Patience, my dear! Ugh, I hate this ringing in my ear! I know, I got it! I will never possess this virtue unless it's up to you. My Father, My God is gonna make sure I do. I can't wait, oh on you? Your timing is everything so for you my Father I'll wait. Tomorrow comes and it's still not here! How much longer? Be patient my dear! But Father. But what my Daughter? I don't think I can any longer. Ok tell me more. I've waited and waited and been good so why not now? It's not your time but mine. I know, I know but, but when! If you don't tell me I might sin! That is your choice now isn't it? But I'll be consistent. When your day comes you will know till then just continue to grow. But I want and you promise! I do for your my daughter. If I'm the daughter of the most high then why do I continue to cry. Trust me, follow me and you will know. For my child I'll never let go. You struggle with things you should let go. I am your provider. Don't sweat I know. I have gone before you and sown the seed that will grow. Into a beautiful spirit that I chose. You are not there so you continue to swear. Leave it to me and relax for a while. Father, I understand my heart is in your hands. Even though you have it I allowed him to reek havoc. He tore it apart. I gave it away without a exchange. Asking for his before giving mine to him. Why do I keep looking toward this world? I want you in charge not some feeling less whore.I want care and love that only you could be of. How do I examine this time that I'm in. Patience my love for I am above. Watching you here and guiding you home.

Peace within

Its obvious that I had a rough day yesterday. Knowing I was not using my resources I texted a friend, " please direct me to scripture. I do not know what I need but I know I can find it somewhere in the bible." He texted me to open and read John. I misread the text and read all of 1 John. Let me tell you it was so perfect. It gave me rules and direction where I have felt lacking. So on a day you are struggling I suggest turning to scripture and holding it tight for it will settle a broken heart, restless soul and help light your direction. Love, American Momma!

Anger

Today I have had a lot of down time and I'm angry!! I'm angry I let him back in. I'm angry he wiggled and lied his way back into my heart. I'm angry God didn't stop me! I'm angry he doesn't love me! I'm angry because he doesn't love me! Did you hear that I'm angry that I still love him! Woman made because man was not to be alone, yet he prefers to be alone. I want to scream as loud as I can for God to hear me. My heart hurts fix it! It's been 6 years of hard work and still no love. I gave him everything and do I get any appreciation, none. I get no respect no love. I have so many questions I can't keep up. I just want to be free. If he won't love me, I don't want to feel any love for him. This man who puts so much time into conning everyone so he becomes what he thinks they want him to be can't even be himself. I know hisself and I still love him. What is wrong with me? I have to give up. I have to quit. He will never love me, I'm just not it. I have to move forward! Even though I'll never get the truth because I'm not even sure he knows the truth anymore, I would still like the courtesy of truth. I have been so damaged by him he can't do anymore harm. I'm angry he hurt me! I'm angry he lied! I'm angry he used me. I'm angry he doesn't love me! I'm angry I love him!!! I hate this feeling!! I'm angry you don't love me! Do you hear me? I am a person and deserve better than this! I am worthy! I am worthy!! I am a child of God Almighty you won't get to far with this! He will make you repent! Whether it's here on earth or in the pit for the rest of time, you will repent! I know this sounds harsh but I'm hurt you torched my heart! I believe in the Almighty and he promises me, to drive out my enemy's! You have been against me for so long I'm not sure you could feel this wrong. You may think its just another day, but you were wrong! This is yours yet I still own it! I'm angry I can't let it go! I'm angry I haven't let you go. So silence you get. 7 days of it! No text no email, no access to me. I'm done your free. Hope in that 7 days I have cleared my head and no longer feel the need to contact you. It's Wednesday at 2:30 pm so untill next wednesday you get no more out of me. My energy and time is being wasted on someone that doesn't deserve it! American momma.

Technology's a curse

Ever thought, every feeling texted just to make him mad. When your heart is screaming I'm not bad. Can't you see me, I'm here why aren't you glad. Demon creeps inside my head. Unworthy words that I've had, handed to me to swallow, I'm sad. Why can't you just see the love in me. I can't deal with this pain.You hear congrats your free, while forever you'll be, the slave to Satan and his men, for only Chist can release me. I'm bound by vows and promise and the daughter we had. For you I gave up everything. Your ways will only guarantee you straight to 1,000 degrees. I pray for your release even though you've condemned me. I can't be heartless cold as ice even though you left me twice. Two times the charm it is that you have a promise of tomorrow ain't bad. Then tomorrow comes and u run. Really it's free the love to give me. I ask for no material things. You didn't even buy me a ring. So low on your list yet a music box she gets. In two years will she even remember your name? While I will still be rithing in pain. My knees may they bleed for I'll stay on them for eternity. The price your soul with me. In heaven it will be. I'll pray till the cows come home. I can't leave you unfree. I know this path for I walked it to, now may God be with you. He is waiting and you don't even know, you walked away long ago. Hanging with those who speak against Gods will only leave you breathless. Knowing in your soul you have been left restless. That is the design to long for Gods face shall you seek. Replacing him with things only leaves you asleep. Asleep at the wheel, no where to go, time to take back control. Get on your knees and be set free. This bondage you feel will begin to unreal. Not just once or twice every morning make nice. Father for its you I serve, please help me walk with you this day. To your delight he wont think twice. Whisking you away on the ride of your life. But to you this is a choice, I can't make it for you. For the design is he, you then me. Just so you know no matter how hard you try you can never sever these binds for God has me forever, question now is does he have you? Time is running low its now or never. Jump I scream, although you made it clear you can't hear me. Text, email face booking all means to communicate these things. I have tried and tried and yet you steal my heart what's left and torch it. I'll be back don't forget me. I'll be back after a short recharge. God please set him free. Devil I dispute this hold on me to ruin my life and family. I'll fight as long as God let's me, on my knees God please for he is half of a whole. Rescue him for our family. His mother would be so pleased. I love him still and forever will. 13 years is to long to let go, unless he just says no. Walk away I might but never cease to pray God save me!

Sight

I can see you and I send up prayers. Your hurt is apparent your struggles are layer.I pray for light to find its way into your life. For the darkness has been around to long you have forgotten how to use your sight. I believe God can achieve, but even if he did would you recieve? I know without a doubt you are forgiven you just have to believe. This journey of everlasting life, let go of your drama and recieve Christ. Enough is enough in pain and lust. Call it quits and allow His Trust. Just let go of your fear and he will be near. Restoring your life like Jesus from dust. You will gleam all clean. Your only requirement is to let him draw near. He can rescue your heart, life and love. For this you just have to give up. Quit fighting this battle you can not win. Satan was a angel so you are nowhere close to the end. Jesus was blood and even he gave in. knowing his fathers plan will never loose. Fight for a cause not just in spite. The cause of the kingdom, is to rescue you again.Your cause is selfish, can't compare to the picture you can't even see. This world is bigger than you and me. God never left you even living in sin. Your lies have cost you a life in light. Good thing his son took that plight. Jesus love is greater for he died on the cross for you to live. It's time I'm calling on Him please father rescue my kin. I know your will is greater than me.. I just hope you see it fit to see. He is blind in his walk and needs a spark of energy. Return him to you where he should always be. Please hear my plee for I can't move on knowing we could leave, him behind without a guide. Please call on your spirit to move in his heart for I can't image your home without him. He has hurt, scared and marked me over time again, but this as his victim I respond to his sin. Heavenly Father full of Grace rescue him from this life. Each day marked with Grace I know he will find you. I pray this won't take months or years but I pray my patience over your will. Father let your will be done and allow me to walk in it. Amen American momma.

Blessings

Prayerful, I have spent time on my knees for my friends. Their lives each having different events going on. Knowing each one is relying on God, I know how difficult it can be to keep your focus when being tumbled around in this world. They have each stayed steadfast in the word and in prayer. Today several have had good news about their situations. I feel blessed and honored by my Heavenly Father to be able to see them come out of the situation arm and arm with him. This is so encouraging as a Christian to see if you stay on track and keep moving while seeking his face he will not only deliver you he will walk you through it! Today these are my blessings, each friend with a piece of good news today. American Momma

Life after ruins

Ok so life sucks we get knocked down, now what? Each time life has sent me divorce, job lay off, or just crap in general I have revolted. I would lay down and quit doing all the things I should because they were harder now that I felt alone and broken. This time is different! I have a army of men and women who love me abundantly and will not allow me to quit. I have a new pillar of strength that my life is centered around. Christ stands strong and firm and will not allow me to fall and hit the bottom. He will allow me to fall but will catch me and hold me until I can stand up and try again. Before one of my husbands or boyfriends were the center of my life so when they left I would crumble. Now when is it enough of the life shattering stuff. Now I say enough! No more this to God was not surprised by so I will trust in his word and guidance. My pillar still stands so no reason for me to crumble. I am strong and resilient and with Christ by my side I no longer have to hurt for months, just a couple days. Yes, I mourned for the love and life lost. I mourn for my daughter who's hopes of mommy and daddy back together are dashed. Now it's time to allow God to heal her and me and show us what next he has in store. For controlling the situation myself, will not allow healing and movement to proceed. So my life after ruins belong to the Almighty. Even after repair my life will still belong to the Heavenly Father who is the only man to truly love me and hold me with his heart.

American momma!

Happy Tuesday All!

Cinderella Story

Dream... As a American child you are told dream it and it's yours! Really I was fed Cinderella story after Cinderella story and I have yet at the age of 30 to wear a glass slipper. I how ever have been used as a cook, maid, child care provider, organizer, party planner, driver, grocery shopper, bank and many other choice professions by many people, but I don't feel as if I have ever been treasured, adored, loved or cared for. In many cultures women hate to get married for they are enslaved to their husband for life. As American women we are told it will involve mutual respect, financial freedom, endearing love and a happily ever after. What a load of crock!! American men are selfish, immature, whinney creatures cotteled to much by their mothers. Yet these same women who hate how their husbands turned out are doing the same damage to their sons. When will the cycle end? Will we ever have a generation of real men arise in the u.s. again? I tend to always believe my ex when he says, " I love you and it's always been you." then nasty panties and a positive pregnancy test show up in his room! Really Men?? Are women so disposable as human beings you can't even tell the truth? Ahhh... Who raised you? When your fathers ran off with their secretaries your mothers stayed behind to scrimp and save and get your ass raised and your gonna pay tribute to her by turning out like your dad? America you may be beautiful but your men are so damaged they can't even see the distruction they themselves are leaving. Women are buying their stories hook, line and sinker only to be left in ruins. Do they not know how much we love them? Or how about how much we need them? Surely they can not be completely oblivious to how their words sear scars into our souls and their actions reek havoc on our beings can they? Just one, I want just one honorable, loving, man who thinks I'm better than the price of gold. I have a feeling my prince charming doesn't exist for I am no princess.

American momma

Another Monday

So I made a decision, a couple years ago, that I would quit hating Monday's. I will spend 1/7 of my life in Monday's so I should enjoy them. Since finding a church I have attended for most of the last year I have found Monday's to be a delight. Spending Sunday's in church and with amazing friends recharges me for the week. This Monday is a little special to me. Yesterday I was able to start piecing my todays back together. Saturday I had a lot of people who love me speak truth to my heart. Then Sunday God continued the Love with more great friends and truth from his word. Making the decision to follow Christ has always been a easy choice. I grew up where we were born into Christianity, but I am learning to actually walk with Christ is much harder. Sometimes things don't feel good and we want to take a break or back out, but that is not what he intends for us. By walking down the broken road and continuing to seek his face, he can heal us while we are still in the midst of chaos. This world is broken and will continue to be broken, but we don't have to be. Yes it hurts, and hurts badly! Our lives being lived in such a place that we are going to encounter the pain of this world but we have a promise that as long as we seek his face we don't have to live in that brokenness forever! So this Monday I'm declaring a helping journey with my sights on Christ face not his hand! I hope you have a blessed week.

American Momma!

A new place

Ok so my heart was filled with so much good stuff today. Getting the chance to spend all day playing with my niece, nephew and daughter is a treasure all it's own. But to then be surrounded by people who love and care for you is unlike any other. Being held gently by the spirit while people speak life into you is unlike another feeling in the world. Tonight I have been told of my beauty, worth, accountability,strength and resilience. I know all these things to be true so now I am stronger and able to take a step forward. So Heavenly Father here is my declaration of gratitude thank you for Loving me enough to give me time with the kids and to surround me with amazing loving people.

American momma!

Where are we left

Another rambling of inside my head. If we give someone to God to help them and we are close to the situation where does that leave us? Here we see everyday this persons struggles knowing God is there doing his invisible (to our eyes) work, but what about those left unknowing daily. We don't know if it will really work if this person will see the light and turn from their own path to Gods. We don't know if it will take a day, week, month or years for this person to heal or if they ever will. So when do we know when to wait and be patient for them and when it's time to say God this is yours I have to go? What dictates here and now? Who says this is worth it even if they never see the light and who says no its time for you to gain control and let this person just wonder? So many opinions and scripture but I want concrete this is your path. I want Jesus to come sit next to me and say my sister no patience is ever enough, or my daughter you must move forward with life for you have given him to me and I'll take it from here so you go and enjoy what time you have left. Why don't we get like a 5 time lifeline with Christ when we are born. 5 times in your life you can call him to sit next to you and discuss what is on your heart. We could still have our journals, meditation and prayer, but a little additional loveing on daily would be great! Loving someone lost in the dark tends to make me feel lost. I find attacks on my life become more frequent and more determined to turn me back into who I was before. If I could I would call Jesus from heaven to save my husband! Without a second thought. This makes me feel selfish because Jesus could of called the angels down to save him as he hung on the cross but he did not. I don't know if it makes a difference but Jesus knew he would eventually die and I fear living with the pain for 30 plus more years. I do trust Jesus I am just wondering in this darkened state will I find my husband to pull him back into the light with me?

American momma!

Calm in the center of the storm

Ever get to the point that stress has hit a height of disappearing? I kinda feel that this week. My head is like crazy full of stuff but I just don't know where to turn. I have lifted my husband up and Prayed countless hours on my knees for him and yet he still stays frozen. How do you help someone who is bound by the devil and is content there? Yes, he has shattered my world more than once but it seems like it should all be worth something. Like this pain can be pieced together to be the greatest strongest love ever on earth. Is this nieve? Am I listening to our western couture in the happily ever after? God promises us good with some hard to keep us seeking him. I feel like most of it has been bad. I have truly loved my Husband since I was 17 and I'm convinced he never really loved me. I'm not sure he even loves our daughter. I think he is bound into such selfishness, hate, anger, darkness that I'm unsure he can love. To hide behind walls seems to feel safer because if you break those down you are volunerable and can get hurt. Unknowing that the walls you build hold more hurt than if you could feel. The walls lock in the hurt and don't allow any good stuff in, so your faced with the same horrible pain all day everyday with no love, joy, laughter, hope or peace. Letting go of the walls is hard work and hurts but then you are open to the good stuff. So I am praying God will reach in thru the dark bondage and light a fire in his heart, another in his soul and in his mind of light. He may never love me with all of his heart but he will always be loved truly and wholly. We are created in Sin with a darkness that woes us daily and I hold none of that against him for he can not see the spiritual warfare he battles everyday. The constant feeling of failure, hopelessness, dispare, depression is the enemy working on him to keep him in his grasp. Through Christ all things are possible but I'm unsure if he will intervene when someone is unaware other they turned their back on him. So for now I just have a lot of questions and I'm on my knees praying for him everyday. I just have to be still in his presence to see where I am needing to go. My hearts desire is that I get to be with my husband forever but Right now I don't know if he will allow that to happen. Yes I have really forgiven Him, also I want to say...

Thank you Heavenly Father for...

Allowing me to get a glimpse of His heart last week

The last few months I have had with him

Being able to witness my daughters content as she lay with her dad

The bonding with His mom

Being able to show him no matter what he has someone in his corner

Finding comfort in my husbands arms no matter how short of a time

Bonding my daughter and her dad back together where there was a lot of space

The day at the lake

The times as a family at church

The time as a family at the springs

Thank you father for what time we did have as husband and wife and a family.

Thank you for baby girls heart in loving her father and I no matter what

New day! Ooops!

Ok so I can not seem to sit still constantly pacing and upset with worry. Patience not being in me anywhere. Trust... Do I trust my Lord and Savior to go before me and make this work? Doesn't actions speak louder than words? I have been saying Lord I trust you but then I just do my own thing. Am I being a faithful child? Am I trusting my Heavenly Father? Emotion is a true deceiver of where we are and where we should be. Men are slower at coming to the same conclusion as us. When we start dating someone within a week we can tell you if this is something we will peruse for a long time or if it just won't work. Men sometimes don't even know after a year! How does it change in the mind of the opposite sex? Did God forget one major connection in their brain? I know undoubtly who I am and what I'm willing to do for anyone anywhere and yet men have to think and women react. Is this why we can't just get along? Is this why men are completely content with scratching themselves and male bonding where few words are said other than yep, good game or dude have you seen my new truck. Gadgets, games, sports, work is all that consumes them. When you walk in on a group of women we are tangling kids, talking about feelings, doing, cleaning, supporting each other. Is this difference to be celebrated?

Last Night

It must be human nature to sabotage ourselves. So after work I went to pick up my baby girl from her dads and of course I couldn't help myself, I had to check the pregnancy test. Now this is not Christian behavior by any means and I do not condone snooping in someone's stuff. This is a part of me I am working on. It was positive. My heart sank. Ow could he really have knocked someone up?

Does anyone know where this is going? Severe anxiety attack! I left as he showed up. Empty is the only thing I could feel. The fear, pain, struggle, hope, happy all of it gone! I went home and straight to bed. How if I am following the word of God could this happen? How could God allow me to fall this far again. I can say contemplation of suicide (one that has for most of my life) once again is back. Making sense of how My God that everyone says loves me so could allow me to walk the path into ruin again. But not only me he allowed my daughters hope that mommy and daddy could be under one roof. I feel like a drone being controlled by a ruler with no heart.

So today my prayer...Heavenly Father full of Grace today marks a 24 hour time frame in which I need you more than ever. I need you to bind the darkness consuming my husband and myself. I need you to replace this dark with light of truth. We need to feel your presence and guidance as we move through today. This day one starting with desperation and pain needs you to perform a miracle. Our family needs you to move and the timing is now. For we have a tangled mess of sin, mistakes, good intentions and hate. Please I am begging today let it be your will to move Big in our lives. Thank you!

American Momma

Silent scream!

Ever feel like you could go anywhere in the city and scream and no one would even blink in your direction? Welcome to the way I have felt most of my life. Gratefully I have found myself more "found" since seeking Christ to be in my life daily. Although I still feel unworthy, unloved, unable to cope at times in my days. Staying focused is a lot harder than it sounds. Temptation to do the easy or be less moral is very hard to resist.

We are told to have a voice we must do something outrageous like show skin, release a sex tape, create a scandal, be arrested for something that will make e news. I am certain I do not want to be known for any of the above. I want my foot print to be loving, giving, genuine, "Christ" like. So in order to do this I must do all the hard things forgive even those who hurt me, love unconditionally all who are on earth, pray, meditate, read my bible, volunteer, smile. Let me tell you most days I don't feel like doing any of those things. Isn't it funny to be all God called us to be we must go against what we feel like doing! Shouldn't it be the opposite way, built into us that doing the right thing gives us energy and a can do attitude. Not that it can't do those things just most days it doesn't.

Now doing what's right will give you those warm and fuzzy feelings but at the end of a rough day of work with kids to still deal with, you don't "feel" like making 2 dinners so you can take one to a friend in need. But for the most part we do shed our flesh and do the right thing. Now that was easy cooking for a friend but what if it's keeping four kids for a month. Being responsible for food, health, shelter, emotional and mental welfare of additional kids. Would we as a american generation do that for someone else? I can say without a doubt even not making it financially, yes I would if tI was needed but would you? For decisions like these there are a lot of Na-Sayers that interject...what about your family, what about your welfare, how will you ever manage? Now would you after all the doubt just put out there? Big decisions or little decisions we all face the doubt in our head and the doubt in other people. So I say let's take each decision daily and turn it over to our God Almighty. He knows what the answer is and he will never fill you with doubt.

Jesus will make sure you not only walk the path he has chosen he will walk with you. So who is with me for a challenge? For 24 hours every decision what to eat, should I send this text, are the words coming out of my mouth for you God. Let's consult him on every decision write down each question and how long you listened for the answer before you acted. Or if you forget and lean on your own decision making. Let's see which decisions turn out for the better.

I'll check back in to see how your doing and to update you on how I am doing.

American Momma

Water over head or under bridge?

                      OK I know these can't seem profound real post coming so quickly. This is the world in my head and how quickly it works.
                      Water it has properties to heal, comfort, soothe and to create havoc. Right now I am trying to decide if it is working for me or against me. Have the waters been parted by my Lord to make a way or are the waves over my head. I cant seem to keep bills paid and my life in any normal shape. Its pay the car insurance or cell phone. Pay the sitter or buy gas? Its as if someone through me out into the deep end of the ocean and with each day they are throwing me a sand bag to hold onto. I know with Faith God always makes a way. Then why are we left blind to see no way out. With piling debt and stress over how we are going to make it through the day, I don't know how to deal.
                         Its funny how judged you are as a single mom. My parents constantly judge my money use, my parenting skills and every move I make. Knowing I will be the soul party responsible once again is kinda frightening but I have to make this happen. I have to be on my own once again. I can no longer continue trying to please everyone else so that they don't view me as weak or incompetent. No matter how much I do or try there is a stigma attached to 30 year old living with their parents no matter what the situation is. I was living on my own then I was laid off. I couldn't find a job for 6 months and I have been behind on bills. My credit is shot from 2 divorces and 3 layoffs. So in a society that says you are to have the house, cars, kids, animals and be home to enjoy it all I say NO THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE!!! We have to work to earn money and that is just to get by. To miss out on things for our kids because we come from a broken society, with broken people and broken homes. Women can no longer sit and hold their babies they have to hand them over to strangers to raise while verily making enough money to pay those sitters. We are a society of Women who are exhausted, beaten, weary and lonely. Even with great friends and churches and support groups we were not designed to be leaders of our families. We were not designed to burden all that we deal with daily. We were made to stand with our partners together bearing our burdens.
                             So is this ordained by God is he making the way and placing a bridge for us to cross this rushing river of madness or are we being swept away by the current?
                         

American Momma

Crazy girl or normal?

I hate this crazy girl feeling. I am waiting on a answer from my estranged husband if we are going to truly commit to making this work. He is taking his sweet time and I can't stand it. It's funny when we love a guy that seems to be playing games it drives us crazy! It would not be fun for him to choose to continue the separation into divorce. I do feel it would be easier to have a answer. This, we might be together we might not, is killing me. I constantly want to text or email the pros and cons of each side of the decision to him. Then I come across a Christian blog I want to forward to him or inspirational saying. I have a kid, house, work, dinner to make, life to live and for the last 3 days all I can do is think about him and worry over if he will ever make up his mind. I know I may sound nuts to most modern women but this is my husband who I have loved and been friends with for 13 years. I would love for nothing more than continue to be his wife but I won't do it at the cost of me. I have created boundaries for the way I expect to be treated so I'm no longer treated like the door mat. I have requested he no longer hide me and choose between his friends that hate me and me. Either be a husband that is proud of his family or don't be one at all. Also I have asked that he De-friend the girl he has been sleeping with while we were separated. Is that asking to much? Is asking my husband to step up and show that I am worthy of being loved in a proper way asking to much? What boundaries do you have for your boyfriend or husband? So if it's the middle of the day or middle of the night I will blog all my feelings instead of contact him. God is working the way he should and I trust him fully so now I am taking these thoughts and feelings and sending them out to the world wide web. Where someone may see them or then again maybe they won't. American Momma

Starting Point

This is my account of how I see it. Others around me may recall it differently but this is how I think and view life and my situations. Talk about a whirlwind! Balancing child, finances, spiritual growth, family, friends, work and me has my head spinning right now. I have been lucky to be staying with my parents for the last year, but I was unemployed for 6 months of that time. Getting caught up and ready for our move into our own place has me excited and stressed.Financially I am not where I should be to be making this move. Life has just recently taught me we are never ready for life changes so either you move forward and live life with faith or you stay stagnant and do nothing ever! The events that have lead to this choice is a series of events. Recently I was trying to reconcile with my estranged husband. you know in typical woman fashion I had dreams of riding off not the sunset and happily ever after. Well let's say that was the goal untill I got a little snoopy and found panties, jewelry and a nightie in his room. These things I was fine with untill I found the open pregnancy test. When asked about the objects he says he forgot about them. So needless to say that was a rough day. Lots of prayer and Christian friends guidance I was able to start on the path of regaining my peace and forgiving him. It's still unknown what that relationship will look like in the future but for now I'm done. I always thought I would be married and out of my parents house in a short amount of time. So with the recent eventI have come to the conclusion that it's now or never. Either I live fully now or die. There is no more time than now. So that is the happenings in the last month that lead to now. Through Christ and sheer will I will somehow figure out how to afford this apartment, electric, car pymt, insurance, cell phone, child care, food and all of life's expenses on my limited salary. Tons of women do it so now it's my turn! I don't anticipate a lot of people to ever view this, but if you do and have a comment please feel free. Thank you, American Momma