Ever get to the point that stress has hit a height of disappearing? I kinda feel that this week. My head is like crazy full of stuff but I just don't know where to turn. I have lifted my husband up and Prayed countless hours on my knees for him and yet he still stays frozen. How do you help someone who is bound by the devil and is content there? Yes, he has shattered my world more than once but it seems like it should all be worth something. Like this pain can be pieced together to be the greatest strongest love ever on earth. Is this nieve? Am I listening to our western couture in the happily ever after? God promises us good with some hard to keep us seeking him. I feel like most of it has been bad. I have truly loved
my Husband since I was 17 and I'm convinced he never really loved me. I'm not sure he even loves our daughter. I think he is bound into such selfishness, hate, anger, darkness that I'm unsure he can love. To hide behind walls seems to feel safer because if you break those down you are volunerable and can get hurt. Unknowing that the walls you build hold more hurt than if you could feel. The walls lock in the hurt and don't allow any good stuff in, so your faced with the same horrible pain all day everyday with no love, joy, laughter, hope or peace. Letting go of the walls is hard work and hurts but then you are open to the good stuff. So I am praying God will reach in thru the dark bondage and light a fire in his heart, another in his soul and in his mind of light. He may never love me with all of his heart but he will always be loved truly and wholly. We are created in Sin with a darkness that woes us daily and I hold none of that against him for he can not see the spiritual warfare he battles everyday. The constant feeling of failure, hopelessness, dispare, depression is the enemy working on him to keep him in his grasp. Through Christ all things are possible but I'm unsure if he will intervene when someone is unaware other they turned their back on him. So for now I just have a lot of questions and I'm on my knees praying for him everyday. I just have to be still in his presence to see where I am needing to go. My hearts desire is that I get to be with my husband forever but Right now I don't know if he will allow that to happen. Yes I have really forgiven Him, also I want to say...Thank you Heavenly Father for...
Allowing me to get a glimpse of His heart last week
The last few months I have had with him
Being able to witness my daughters content as she lay with her dad
The bonding with His mom
Being able to show him no matter what he has someone in his corner
Finding comfort in my husbands arms no matter how short of a time
Bonding my daughter and her dad back together where there was a lot of space
The day at the lake
The times as a family at church
The time as a family at the springs
Thank you father for what time we did have as husband and wife and a family.
Thank you for baby girls heart in loving her father and I no matter what
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